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Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.